haleywordeater:

I don’t know what is wrong with me but I haven’t actually felt like part of a group for years now. I haven’t felt like I have belonged or connected with any of the people I surround myself with. I find myself sitting around in a room with them and thinking, I don’t even know these people, they don’t anything about me. What am I doing here?… When I am talking to them it’s like I am on robot mode, with built in auto responses and actions, it’s like I am trying to talk to a brick wall. They stare at me with empty eyes, nodding their heads but are they really listening? I doubt even some of my closest friends… For years now I have been bouncing back and forth, from group to group, trying to find somewhere where I actually feel like I belong. Somewhere people like the things I like, don’t care about how weird I dress, how different I act, how smart I am, how much I know about this or that. Somewhere where in order for me to fit in I don’t have to do a bunch of drugs and guzzle a few bottles of alcohol. Somewhere where I don’t have to pretend I know what I am talking about, where I have to pretend I am happy all the time.

I want to connect with someone, really connect with them. I want to be able to stay up all night talking to them and not have to worry about them accepting me or finding me odd in anyway. I want someone who will listen to music that everyone else finds crap but I completely adore. I want someone… a group of someones to just sit around with and not just act happy with but be happy too. I am dying to find my place, dying to find my group, I am sick of people who don’t know anything about me and don’t even try to learn anything unless they want to get down my pants or are just being nice so it’s not awkward for the time.

And speaking of awkward. I want to just for once NOT feel awkward in a group situation, I want to feel perfectly comfortable, I want to be able to relax and not constantly be on edge, wondering what everyone is thinking about me. I know it sounds like I am just being a whiney little brat but I just want some friends that understand, friends that will listen to what I have to say and hear it too.

Is that so much to ask for?

ME [Vaish]: The reason why I reblogged this is because I FEEL THE SAME WAY as the author. I see myself in what she has written. Those sentences in bold and italics, are the ones that I can totally relate to.

“I haven’t felt like I have belonged or connected with any of the people I surround myself with.”- refers more to my family. And, may be some group of friends that I have met years before.

I have been in lots of socially awkward situations. When others are talking and joking around, I’d rather be the one who is listening or may be doing my own stuffs. Sometimes, I am in my own world. Maybe because I don’t like to put my nose in conversations just so to feel like part of something. It just gives a false sense of security and comfort.

I know there is a side of me that can be talkative..But another part of me, enjoys the solitude. I like being with myself. I enjoy the moments of silence and reflection. I’m just neither this nor that. I am somewhere. Somewhere is where I probably belong. 

I know how to talk and make you laugh. I also know how to shut myself out of everything. I know how to go out and have fun. I also know how to shut myself in the house for days and do nothing but the surf the internet, watch TV and eat. You see again, I am neither this nor that. You can’t say that I’m anti-social neither can you say that I’m the life of the party.  I’m just neither this nor that.

I want to care less of how I am in the eyes of the others. I want to naturally feel part of whatever I’m doing and wherever I am. The keyword is natural, real, genuine. I want to feel more like myself. I want to be alive. Not dead and a fake. I want to be able to talk to someone about something without the fear of offending them, just talk about any random topics and not be laughed at or seen weird for my silly theories or ridiculous craps.  Someone who doesn’t get pissed off with my sudden mood changes. Even my family and friends are not used to my sudden mood changes and tantrums. I hate it when people think they know me and try to make assumptions based on what THEY THINK THEY KNOW.

Somewhere in the world, there are people just like me. Who are neither this nor that.

May be I’m visualising a world that can only exist in my dream.